i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
