eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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