i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
