i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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