Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
