i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
