I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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