I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
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