After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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