Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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