I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I think my moral compass just broke
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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