apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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