I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
