I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
