i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
