I can text with my tongue
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
