I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
