why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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