I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
