and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
