please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
