Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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