Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
