that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
