No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Four minutes until I can fart!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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