Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
