3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
