Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
