You smell like stripper and shame
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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