Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
