i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
