I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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