I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Randomize
