I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
