I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
