How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
