I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
