My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
