I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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