My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hate all girls vehemently.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
