i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
