i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
