i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
