Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
