i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
