Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
