My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
