went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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