Just took my morning after pill in the library
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
