please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
